As of this week, I will have officially been a mother of two for a year. Miss Vienna Leigh turns one year old today and I will (of course) be blogging about her and that special day tonight. But I wanted to focus on this little guy right now. For some reason my mind has been racing about him and how he came so brilliantly into my life. Almost two years ago, I found this beautiful little boy in an orphanage in Nsambya, Uganda. The moment I picked him up, he laughed. I wanted more than anything for him to be mine, but at the time my hope was bleak. Even though my journey was just beginning, I had already been through a lot – with many many babies lost. Ethan was sick with malaria at the time and Lee cautioned me to not fall in love, because he could easily be gone within the week. Lee gave him a blessing of healing and we left the orphanage. I stayed in Uganda for about a month after Lee had to leave and fought for my little Ethan. Throughout that time, more little babies fell through, but I kept fighting for Ethan. Finally, I came to a stage where I just had to wait. I flew back to Dallas for two weeks in December to recoup. Then I returned to Uganda. This trip was to have our first court date with the local magistrate and get Ethan out of the orphanage. It was a very scary time for me. I had already lost so many little babies and I didn’t know what I would do if I lost Ethan. I was in the middle of the greatest trial of my life thus far. My heart ached continually. But it was at this time that God taught me one of many lessons I was to learn throughout the adoption. The following is a bit of a journal entry I wrote when I had first arrived back to Uganda at that time: “Today I woke up feeling that I wanted to pack up my bags immediately and leave to the airport to catch the first plane back to Dallas. I woke up feeling like, “Why am I here? Why don’t I just try to get pregnant again? All I want is to go home. This was so crazy of me.” I just wanted to be home with my sweet Lee and puppies and no one else. I doubted strongly that this could ever happen. I laid uncharacteristically in bed for a long time. I told myself that Lee loved me and that he would still love me if I got on a plane that morning and came home without even going to the orphanage…I thought, “I can just tell everyone that it didn’t work out and that was the end or make up some lie to keep the questions from coming.” I was scared – terrified even. I didn’t want to not get custody of Ethan OR I didn’t want to get custody of Ethan and then lose him in the high court. I told myself I didn’t want to go to Nsambya’s Babies Home and hold Ethan and fall more in love with him only for him to be ripped out of my hands like all the other babies we have encountered here. I was torn between two survival ideas of action. My first was to get on a plane and go home. And tell myself that I did all I could it just wouldn’t have worked. I am saving my family [from heartache]. The second was to just go to Nsambaya see the mood of John [the orphanage director] and tell him that I couldn’t see Ethan because I was sick and didn’t want to get him ill, but just see if prospects of getting him looked good. Luckily, I took neither of those routes. As I sat in bed I really questioned myself if I really wanted this and my final answer was yes, of course, I did. It was at this point that I was leaning towards my second action idea. But then as I was getting up, I turned on my portable DVD player and began playing a few Oprah Reunion reruns. The one I watched was a small clip about Oprah honoring a woman who had opened a volunteer home for orphaned babies. Oprah said at the end of the clip that everyone asks what they can do to volunteer or do good and she said, “Well, the one thing everyone can do is hold a baby.” I thought to myself, “Yes, I can go and hold Ethan. Even if he doesn’t end up being mine – I can at least mother him as long as I can. ” I thought about the scripture, “Whatever you do to the least of these, you do unto me.” I felt selfish and very cowardly for being afraid of this whole experience. I have been just very scared and terrified of the outcome of losing Ethan. So I went to Nsambya’s Babies Home and met with John. He said everything looked great and that the first court proceedings would only take an hour next week. I asked him if we could adopt Jacinta as well and he said, “Why not?!” [Jacinta later fell through]. After the meeting with John was over. I went to find Ethan. I had committed myself that I would spend all day with him no matter how scared I felt. I was scared of falling more in love with him. But the moment I saw him and picked him up all fear was instantly replaced with love. I do not know how to explain it but I really feel that I know how some mothers feel after they give birth and as they first see their child they have a sudden surge of love for this little person they really have never met. As soon as I saw him my heart was filled to the brim with a surge of immediate joy and love and I thought, “This is my child. He is no one else’s. He is my child. He is mine and Lee’s.” It was the most beautiful moment. It was so unexpected and completely gratifying. I have no doubt whatsoever that it was one of God’s tender mercies.”It took three more trips to Uganda, countless court hearings, eight more months of immense personal heartache, four senators, and a very irate mother and mother-in-law before we were able to get Ethan home to the U.S., but now almost two years later I would do it a million times over if necessary. Looking back now it is easy to see if Ethan had come home easily, we would have never went forward for Vienna. God answers all our prayers. I have no doubt He has answered mine. Each of us comes into motherhood with a different story and a different outlook, but no one who is a true mother ever questions the realness of God in her life. She sees Him every minute of every day in her children. They are His living miracles.P.S. Not all of miracles come out as mini GQ models. This one just did. 🙂
